Woody Allen

80% of success is just showing up

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Profile / Biography

Woody Allen is a very popular comedian, writer, director, and actor, whose cerebral styles and of-the wall humor, as well as his notorious personal relationships, have earned him a lot of fame.

Allen was born in 1935 in New York City, where he has lived all of his life and which provides the most important basis of much of his work. 

Woody Allen began writing for shows such as The Tonight Show, Your Show of Shows, and The Ed Sullivan Show at the age of nineteen, and at 22, had won his first award, an Emmy.  In 1960, he decided to try his hand at stand-up and became one of the most popular comedians in New York, specializing gin neurotic, shy characters.

Woody Allen’s first movie, What’s New Pussycat?, was written in 1965.  It was followed by several other comedies. Annie Hall received four Academy Awards in 1977, with  a new dramatic edge and a more sophisticated humor that departed from his earlier slapstick, gags, and one-liner style.

Allen’s movies dropped overt humor in the 1980s, with features such as Stardust Memories created as sharp works of satire and disdain.  Allen has shot many of his post-1990 movies in London, including the acclaimed Match Point.